Starting over

"I fell out of love.”

Oh, the impact of those five words on the entire life of a person. Hearing this sentence drained the life out of me, as if the whole world has stopped spinning, as if life turned its back on me. How would you feel if the only man you've ever loved told you this?

I was telling myself that I wasn't going to cry. That I'm the one who's supposed to be guilty because I thought I was the one who's falling out of love because all this time I was convincing myself that my instincts are wrong. But I cried. I can't stop the tears falling down. Not because he said he fell out of love and was attracted to her. No, I cried because I knew I was right all along. I cried because I never expected that we would come to this, the end of the line.

I can't help wondering where we had gone wrong. I can't stop myself from looking back to the times when we were so happy and in love. Was it him? Was it me? Maybe we would never know but one thing's for sure, we both failed in this relationship at one point or another. And there I was, crying while he pulled me closer to him. I wasn't bawling my eyes out like I used to when we had fights. Just plain, simple crying to express the sadness that I had in my heart. I wanted to tell him goodbye but I can't. I was thinking to myself that if he said goodbye, maybe I wouldn't stop him. But I couldn't have accepted that. I wouldn't. Especially if you have your life planned out in front of you, with him in every picture. So I can't.

It was amazing though, having that talk without any anger, raised voices, wanting to run away feelings, long silences. It was, for the first time, that I knew we weren't just in a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship. That he has become my bestfriend, my partner in crime, my soulmate. He has become the only person who knows me like the back of his hand. So with him leaning on me and my head on his shoulder on that cold, Thursday night, I asked him, "So, do we give each other space or do we try again?" And I was so sure that at that very moment, he would ask for space. But different words came out of his mouth.

He said we'll try again.

And I thank the Lord once again for giving him to me. I know it may not be easy. Our feelings for each other may not come back as easily. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow. But I believe we will get to that point again someday. We've been there before, we can do it again.