Stuck in reverse

Fix You by Coldplay

I used to hate that song. I don't like the idea of someone else, especially a guy, trying to "fix me" like I'm something broken that needed someone else to do the fixing.

Last year though, for some random reason I started looking at it from a different perspective - sometimes, it gets to a point where you're so tired of it all, the idea of someone fixing you for you sounds like a good idea.

I'm so tired.

I hate this job. I hate how I love it and care for it so much that I hate it. I hate how it took so much away from me - my confidence, my courage, my passion, my direction. I put so much of myself into it that I feel like nothing of me is left. I feel abused and unappreciated. It stormed inside me so much as if it was the Big Red Spot in Jupiter and left me alone with self-doubt, feelings of incompetence, frustrations, and unhappiness. And it didn't leave. It comes back in waves, making sure it hits every spot multiple times.

I hate how it's taken away from me how I viewed the world. I have become someone like the Grinch hating everything and everyone.

I'm just so tired. It's been more than 2 years of talking to walls but getting hit square in the face and in the end it's still your fault. Everything is your fault. You didn't work hard enough. Your ideas are not good enough. It's not enough. You're not enough.

I feel so lost. I feel like I don't even have options.

The verses of Fix You are so spot on.

I hate this. Imagine me screaming into the void because I am just so fucking tired of it all.

Until I have somewhere else to go, and a plan in my back pocket, I will sing this song and make it my anthem.

Until I figure out what's next and probably get a little courage to take a leap of faith.

But if you never try, you never know, right?