Of love, hurt, and moving on.

I'm thankful.
I'm thankful for all the memories I had, for the experience and how much it hurt.

Over a year ago, I fell in love with a guy who I least expected I'd fall for. After that, it was one crazy roller coaster ride. At first, I was afraid that he would learn of my secret but eventually, everyone knew. Including him. I know I expected things to happen and I admit I assumed but I never demanded anything from him. Everyone told me that I should give up, that I'm losing myself, that it was wrong and that it was something stupid. That it was too much.

But you should know that I didn't think it was stupid. It wasn't even wrong. It was how I felt and I was just in love.

Maybe I would never feel the same way for a guy ever again. You see, he was some kind of happiness on a different extent. Maybe I would never feel that certain bloodrush again or the thrill of being with him and not knowing what's next. I know my heart would not feel the same flutter-flutter I felt before but that's just the way it goes. I may not look at the little things that reminds me of him the same way again but I know that it's going to be alright. It's like as if someone died. No matter how we grieve for the person and the loss that we are feeling, they would never come back to life. They're gone forever and it will just be their memories who would stay with us.

And I pity my friends who suffered from listening all my yammering about him and how I am in pain. I thank them for struggling with me and for having a very long patience. I have stopped writing his name on every paper I could write on. That means something. Eventually, I'll stop talking about him too.

But I learned a lot of things. I have also come upon some realizations.

I learned that it wasn't just him who was unclear and confusing. I was also unclear. I was also confusing. I was the one who sent mixed signals. Also, it wasn't just him who blew off chances. I also did. I just never realized it.

I have also learned not to look for him in others. An apple is an apple and an orange is an orange. No matter how much you want to taste that citrusy flavor, you never will if you eat an apple. Because these two things are not the same and they never will be.

Most importantly, I can't have everything I want. It's simply not possible. Like what my Dad told me, you can't have your cake and eat it too. Finally I have realized the essence of what he said.

I asked him if he was angry with me. He said he wasn't. Maybe I hoped that he ws for some reason that I wanted him to because I wanted to know that I had even just for a while that I had a hold on him. I was wrong. And it's ok.

Today, I got what I asked for. We might not have had a proper conversation but those two letters i saw a while ago explained it all. I want to tell him that I am thankful. I now at least know that there is nothing to hold n any longer, probably even from the start and that I have made the right decision and should continue moving forward. I got my go signal and now I'm also letting him go.

I won't regret anything. Not even a day that has passed. I am speaking this not with a heavy heart but with high hopes of a better future.

From now on, he might no longer be the boy I fell in love with but he will continue to be a teammate, a coach and I hope, a kuya and a friend. :)