Maybe if

Haunted by the constant paranoia I'm feeling all of a sudden as the clock ticks 12 midnight, I suddenly remember that Abu Dhabi is 4 timezones away. I didn't want to open his Facebook and browse through his messages just to make myself feel contented that he hasn't been chatting with her. Or that I didn't want my head to be filled with worry if he had connected his Blackberry to a wi-fi connection to try that voice call that Blackberry now offers. I don't want to feel the fear and the disappointment all over again.

Just the thought of her existing sickens me, makes me hate her all the more.

Actually, I didn't want to hate her. I didn't want to be the jealous girlfriend. I actually want to get to know her to be able to understand just what is it with her that we have to go through all of this. But I eventually end up hating her and asking why she even existed. I didn't want to curse her everytime I remember. I had forgiven and I wanted so badly to forget. I just didn't want it to happen again because maybe, just maybe if I turn my back from anything I wouldn't have the courage to look back.

And because maybe, just maybe if he didn't fall in love with her I wouldn't hate her that much.